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Fall
It all started with a fall…

And I wonder…

If I had been hit by a train,
Would I be walking an endless train track?
If I had been shoveling snow,
Struck by a heart attack, I suppose,
Would I be facing a perpetual snowbank?



At least,
Then,
I would be doing something.


I have plenty of time to wonder…





I was too close to the edge;
Thought I was invincible.
Thought I could handle it.
Thought I was in control.


And I fell.




Stupid.


It was a long, long drop;
It seemed like an eternity.

Plenty of time…
For me to understand this was
'the end'.
And I thought my life would be over.
I 'knew' my life would be over.




It had just begun.


If you can call this a life…



I hit the ground
And, for just a moment,
Felt a rush of searing,
Crushing pain.



(I still remember that pain…
…like I remember every moment before it.)



And then it stopped.

And I felt nothing.

But I was still falling.




Panic.


It was dark…
But I saw a light,
And thought,
'Maybe those stories were true…'


More panic.

Then I saw that the light came
From me.




I didn't have a 'body'
But I was some kind of form
Made of nothing but light

A cool blue
With purple around my hands…
…or where hands should be.

Still falling.

I was beautiful…
I was wonderful…
More wonderful than I'd ever thought before
… and terrified.

I don't know how long it took
For the panic to stop.





Maybe a day.

Maybe a year.




I was definitely in a 'place'.
And I was definitely falling.
I still am.


I don't know how I know that.
It's a 'feeling' - 
A sensation.





Once, a long time ago,
I decided I could pretend I was flying…
That I was in control.
Anything to stop the falling.

It didn't work.

I'm still falling.

And that's the only sensation I have.








I wish they had been right.

I wish there were flames.
I really do.
The occasional pitchfork.
Something to deal with.


Even Dante had other people;
Sad shape though they were.
Ground to walk on.
A river to cross…


Oh, water would be nice.

Even dirt.



But there's just darkness.

And falling.










No pain.
I suppose that's good.
But no feeling at all.
No 'wind against my face'.


I'd rather have pain.








It's been a long time.
I don't know how long.

Maybe centuries.

Or hours.

It doesn't matter.





I have myself.
Just what I always wanted.
I didn't need anyone else.
'I can go it alone.'
And now, I am.
Alone.



I am.
I wish I weren't.

But I am.









I see clouds.
Dark grey
Against black.
Far, far above me.
I guess they've always been there.
But I've been thinking about them lately.
They never recede;
But I know
I'm falling.
Away.


But I was never near them.







They're a blessing…
I think.
They give me something to focus on.
Something to look at, to desire.
Something more than the life I led
On my own.
Which is all I have now.




Rejection.
Lots of rejection.
But that's what I wanted.
I thought.

I wonder…






I wonder…

What's above them?

Those clouds hide something…


If this were night
There would be stars.

But I don't see stars.


There's no light.

Except for me.




I wonder…

What would those stars be?
Where would they be?
Who would they be?




(Is that what I look like?)




Together.
They'd be shining together.

They wouldn't be alone.
They aren't alone.






What could I have done?
Why am I here?


Falling…
Alone…




It doesn't matter now.

I have plenty of time to wonder.




And it all started with a fall…